What comes is better then what came before...

In the past week I've failed at realizing I can't get through life with just a girlfriend, friends, and family.

I get a lot of thinking done in the shower. I thought tonight that I can get through everything on my own. Through life. Through school. Through marriage. Through teenagerdom. I want to give an excuse for myself thinking that. But I have none. I am guilty of thinking Jesus is the least important of my friends. I started writing a post the other day about people judging other people, and as I'm typing I'm thinking how finishing that post and putting it up for all to see would mark me as the worst hypocrite of them all. Why, you ask?

Because I judge Jesus.

In the shower I thought about how Jesus sucks because He never gives me one of those moments of blissful redemption like in movies or something. I got annoyed because I'm in need of saving and I'm not close to my savior at all. I got mad at Jesus because I'm to lazy to do something about my own problems.
I always think of Jesus as an unsocial homeschooler because He never talks to me. But then I thought to myself that it's freaking ridiculous how I never talk to Him. I never say hi or ask how He's doing anymore. Instead I sit back and watch as He stands there begging with His eyes for conversation. For interaction. For me to grab hold of Him like I did when I was younger.
I'm good at doing my own thing at my own pace and hoping that Jesus will step in and keep time with me. I keep wanting Him to change my judgmental, critical, selfish self without my heart having to change.
But that's not going to happen.
I have to keep in time with Him.
He leads.
I follow.

Love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears...

My armpit itched. So I scratched. But I got out of the shower and put deodorant on so now my hand smells like deodorant. And since I'm using madre's laptop, her keyboard will smell like Old Spice. That's chill.

I don't like reading the Bible. I don't. I read it through once because I thought it would enlighten me or something. Not really. I read it because I saw my friends Bible once and it was all highlighted and notes were everywhere, I wanted to be cool like them. So I read my Bible through and highlighted all the cool sounding verses. Now my Bible is all highlighted and I don't even remember why I highlighted three quarters of the stuff I did. ANYWAYS.

Yeah. The Bible bores me. It really does. I know it's God's word and it's supposed to be awesome. Which it is. But sometimes awesome things can be boring... maybe?... I love the Bible. It's awesome. In a boring way. We're supposed to use it if we need help and I think we're supposed to read it a lot.

I read it like... Once a month. I get into random moods where I pretend I want to go read my Bible and I end up getting distracted by something like Calvin and Hobbes or making hot tea. I could kill for some hot tea right now.
I don't know why I don't like the Bible. People always say it's cool. And they get a lot out of it. But it just doesn't connect with me. I want to start reading it again. That would be nice.

It's always sitting on my dresser constantly staring at me to open it up at. It's words that your heart should constantly be eating up and digesting. I pray that God makes me more vulnerable to the words He spoke to have written down.
That would be nice.

I stumble towards my mirror...

So today I was thinking... Another shocker of mine... A lot of Christians could care less about the fact that someone died for them. I realized myself, that today I didn't care about that fact. I say I do, and I want too. But I don't. When something happens two-thousand years ago it's hard to believe that it's special, meaningful, and if it's actually even real.

I wake up in the morning and think about crap. Not poop. But what's considered poop in the eyes of Jesus and His father.
I wake up and instantly whore myself out to the world. I get out of bed and my mind is lost is sin and confusion. I know nothing about love, grace, forgiveness or hope.
Everything in my heart cries for change and love but my body pins it down and beats it senseless. I go on living life like I care, but when I get the chance I turn my back on Him and betray my Love like Judas did. I'll take the 30 talents over my Savior any day. The woman who was considered immoral in Luke: 7 loves Jesus more then I do.
If I saw Jesus face to face right now I would end up crying my own selfish tears so that my soul may be saved from Hell. I would sit and ponder at the glory of my pride and accomplishments. It kills me inside to know that I would do this.
That needs to change. It was made to be different. I want to truly believe in this man.
I want to truly love this man.
The man who died for me.

I'm addicted, I'm needy, I'm lost without You...

The other day was awesome. But I realized that I'm pretty screwed up in the brain.

But first off, I had chocolate ice cream, and I put chocolate chips in it. It was like crunchy heaven. Magical.

Gossip sounds like something only old ladies do. Last night I was standing in my bathroom and I thought to myself "blah blah blah did blah blah blah.". Then something caught me off guard and said to me "you have no right to be thinking these things. You have no right to even repeat them in any context whatsoever.". I break people down, even the ones I care about a lot, so badly. I talk bad about people I don't even know. We screw a lot of things up when we say the slightest thing bad about someone when everything that Jesus has taught us, tells us to build them up no matter what.

I want to start a mission to start building people up instead of bringing them down. Even just small things. Like "he's just a jerk" or "she really needs to stop doing that because she's just stupid.". I don't think my generation understands how much words hurt. I know people that have gotten into more then they can bear because someone talked down to them. I'm not just talking about being sad, I'm talking about people that cut, do drugs, sleep around, and constantly think of killing themselves because they we're hurt by someones words.
It needs to stop.
End of story.

He's raising the dead in the graveyards where we've laid down our dreams...

Well. The school year has started. And so far I'm already a week behind in Algebra II. That's chill.

It's rained a lot in the past weeks. Like. A lot. A lot of people I know find a lot of meaning in the rain. Like it's some sort of religion. I'm not saying that is what people think of rain, it's just what it seems like to me. It's kinda funny. I think rain is cool because I would never have thought of making something that would fall from the sky in tiny liquid pellets. And make everything grow. I suppose that's why God is God. Because He thinks of these things.

My back feels weird.

I think us humans should stop trying to take control of our lives. They're not even ours in the long run. We just get to make the choices.
In all honesty we don't deserve to live. We think we do.

I don't understand everything that goes on in this world. I don't understand what half of my friends feel when they tell me that something is wrong. 10 years ago a lot of people died in the Twin Towers and I can't even begin to understand what the families of dead relatives feel when they think of it. I have friends that don't have parents, or have just one parent. I have friends that have to cut themselves or drink themselves to sleep. I have some friends that are pregnant and don't know what to do. I have friends that don't know left from right because their minds are so screwed up on drugs.

There are people dying and brokenhearted everywhere and all I do is sit back and relax and watch it like it's the next hottest TV show. It's starting to eat away at me. It really is.

This really matters to me. Nothing more in my life besides God has mattered to me more then this. The fact that even though I feel fine, I don't feel the pain of the people I love. I want too. I long too, so that hopefully I can help them. I don't want to be Jesus to them. I just want to be able to do more then just watch.

I want to live by love. Not just sit back and watch my friends roll around in their pain.

I think that's what Jesus would do.
I want to do that too.

He stares politely back at you, you stare politely right on through...

My house is full of a lot of jars and canning stuff and if you have a good sniffer you can smell the vinegar in the air from mom pickling anything and everything in sight.
It's getting really old.

I like attention. But I don't. I like the thought that people are giving me attention because they love me. It makes me feel like I've been on TV or something like that. But I don't like the attention part of it. Where people like to talk to me a lot. Because quite honestly, I'm a terrible conversationalist. There are very few people I can just spill what's on my mind too. And if I do. Then I think the person I'm talking to is a mannequin or some. There are a couple of people I don't imagine as mannequins. I can have perfectly beautiful conversation with myself when I'm in the shower. I can bring up references and bible verses and things like that when I ramble to myself about what's been on my own mind. It's pretty funny.

I go for walks sometimes down to a little gas station about two miles down the road. It's nothing special and I don't know why I do it because for about three quarters of the walk I have to worry about either dogs, people shooting me for trespassing, or crazy drivers in logging trucks. And I talk to myself the entire way as if someone was walking next to me. It's weird. I just can't talk like that with actual human beings. Just imaginary ones.

Anyways. I love people a lot. I even ventured far enough as to tell my dad that I wouldn't mind a career that would deal with lots of people.
I just don't know how to talk to them.

I find it hard to talk to God too. I think that's kinda sad. I can have hour long conversations with myself about my own problems and I can't even mention stuff like that to God. It's kinda really sad. I think people have had the idea that I talk to God a lot. But in all honesty I don't. I have talked to Him a little bit more lately. I think. Anyways.

I think the reason I can't spill stuff to God is because He's real. I talk to an imaginary person for hours because they're not real. And since I'm a terrible conversationalist I can't talk to God that easy because He is very real. I'm not saying this to make up an excuse for myself. I'm just saying what is on my mind.

I think I'm going to make it a goal this school year to learn to talk to people like they're real. Not mannequins with really realistic skin. And I think I'll try to talk to God like He's real. Not like He can't hear me.
It's my new years resolution.
Because people usually make this in the middle of the year.
It's chill.
Like ice.

How do we get so far, from the way we used to be?

I'm kinda drained because. I don't know... I'm lazy? Yeah. Cool. I want celery.

I get tired of emotions. Mainly because they create themselves in my soul then decide to try and kill each other. It's weird. That might drain me. I don't know.

I think Jesus put's emotions in us so that we know when something feels right. You know? You know that giving a glass of water to a thirsty person is right because you can just feel it. You know that taking that glass of lovely water away from said thirsty person is wrong because you can just feel it. I think when someone murders someone else they know it's wrong. They feel it deep down inside that's it's wrong you know? Maybe they don't. I'm not inside the soul of a murderer. But you never know.

I feel like me and my generation rape our emotions for all their worth then throw them out the window. It's painful. I don't like it. Why do I do that? Why is that my first and only instinct? No one knows.

I don't think Jesus created our hearts to be that way. I really don't. I think he created them to love a whole lot. And to stay that way and never change. And to love unconditionally and beat down any emotions of hate, pride, selfishness, and anger. Yeah. I think that's right.

Hello, I swear I won't be to long...

After The Storm ~ Mumford and Sons

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair...

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...

As written by Donald Miller in his book Blue Like Jazz

What great gravity is this that drew my soul towards yours? What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised to earn your keeping, your resting, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?
I am not scared of you my love, I am scared of me.
I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew and image, I bled a poem of you. You were pretty and my friends believed I was worthy of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though I have taught to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.
I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Jesus and you were mine. Should I show you who I am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.
I want to be know and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? In this God's what of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne begging for our acceptance. Begging for our completion!
We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other. Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, co counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him.
Will we be in ashes before we are one?
What great gravity is this that drew my heart towards yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don't we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues> This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other.
I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.
I will give you this my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my hear, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me, And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.
I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.
God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand the gravity that drew Him, unto us...

That was long. But its what has been on my mind.

I am washed by the water...

WELL. I'm kinda disturbed by what my heart does to me. It's nothing bad but while my physical and mental being is standing still my heart does donuts around it.

I was at CIY again this past week. It moved me. A lot. I don't understand how. I don't understand why. I don't even know why I went this year. I really don't. Yes I wanted to get closer to God and CIY is a great way to learn how to do that. But my intentions were to really just hang out with friends and get out of the house. Honest. I feel terrible for saying that. But it was true. I knew the first night though, as we were seating ourselves in the auditorium, that something was going to be different.

The first year I went it was extremely weird, because it was the first time I spent a week away from home with people I didn't know. I was kinda an outcast and a kid made me cry because he was tougher then me and he proved it when I was being a freak. Hahaha (it's okay to laugh! Go for it! I just did!) Last year was different in the fact that I was learning to sing some sappy songs, I was single, and there were going to be a lot of girls. And I had a cool looking haircut. Don't get me wrong. Both years were ridiculous and definitely helped me with my walk with God. So that's good.
But my intentions weren't the same this year.
We watched a movie called Love Costs Everything about the persecuted Christian church. It was devastating and beautiful all in the same bundle. It was heart wrenching and amazing. I had to do something after watching it. But every time I say that I feel like I'm putting them up as candidates for charity. "we have to pray for them! We have to donate! We have to help them!" don't get me wrong. I'm not saying those are bad things. They aren't. By all means we should donate prayers, money, supplies, and effort to make they're lives easier. However... They don't need our help...
We need theirs...
They have everything they want and need.
God.
That's all that sustains them through back breaking work and constant threats. Yet us dumb American's need the new Ipad 4. Or 5. Or 6. Or which ever one they just made. AGAIN.
They're happy.
We're not.
Something is seriously screwed up here.
I pray that God makes us American's content with everything we have. I pray that He makes us not want anything but Him. We're spoiled rotten brats. And we think we don't need any help. When in reality we need as much help as possible...
Amen..

If Jesus could only wash my feet...

I almost cried more then five times watching a movie the other day. AND. We are out of celery... Again.

Hot tea is wonderful because it's wonderful.

I've been thinking about stuff lately... Some of it completely irrelevant to anything going on in my life, or your life, or anyone else's life for that matter. Isn't that just wonderful? I've been thinking... The same thing that possessed those guys in the Bible to start loving and taking people into the body of Christ is in each one of us. I think it's the Holy Spirit... but no one knows.

I've been listening to weird music, for example I just listened to the entire four and a half minutes of Love The Way You Lie by Eminem and Beyonce. And if you know me then you know that I rarely listen to music like that. I listen to Cady Groves when I'm working and Romance On A Rocketship before I go to bed. ANYWAYS. I'm kinda torn because I see all these musicians and singers wasting their lives away on nothing. The one thing I want is to be standing with all my brothers and sisters lifting our weary gaze to heaven and screaming out our empty songs to the beautiful God who created our hearts.

I don't know what I'm getting at. But it feels deep at the moment. Kinda like that moment when you're a little kid in a big kid pool. And you know if you keep walking out the water isn't going to get anymore shallow then it already is... If that makes sense.

I was at a concert in a bar. John Mark McMillan to be exact. It was a while ago and I have no idea why I'm bringing it up now. ANYWAYS. I was standing there with a bunch of strangers who were drinking beer listening to them and the entire audience singing "World, I've overcome you world!" Over and over again even after John stopped playing and everyone was off stage. It was heart-wrenching. Literally.

Everytime I hear Eminem's songs I pray that one day a man of his influential status would learn of Jesus' beauty and love and come to know Him and sing songs in His home for forever.

It kills my inside feely thingys when I think about the fact that no matter what there will be people left here on earth when Jesus brings me home, and the fact that I can't sing with them for eternity is even more sad. But I want to sing a song with Eminem in heaven. And Beyonce.... And Cady Groves...

This was completely random and somewhat pointless.
Enjoy!

Because I know that someone, somwhere is praying that I make it home...

I'm having trouble blogging because my mind is going through some major brain farts these days.

I'm listening to How He Loves... And talking to someone about Jesus. I can't get over the fact that even though I'm not doing much to honor Him, He still is in love with me. I don't know what love is really. I do to an extent. But I'm only human. But I know that love on earth isn't what it feels like when I see Him face to face. I feel like I'm underwater and somehow I'm breathing because... I don't know. I just am. I don't really know how to say things that are on my mind because it's been slightly hazy to me. You know that feeling you have Christmas Eve? That feeling of not knowing what's going to happen, but you know it's going to be amazing. Yeah....
THIS IS SUCH A RANDOM BLOG BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE JESUS STILL LOVES ME AND I HAVEN'T HAD CELERY IN FOREVER.

Jesus You're everything...

I haven't had celery in over forever, and I need some. BADLY.
Why is it us humans crave stuff? I just got in from mowing and what was I craving? A Twix bar. So I then indulged myself in the chocolatey goodness of a Twix. I think it's because our cravings are not just for whatever it is our flesh desires. I think it's because our hearts and souls ate constantly longing for something greater then what the freaky things this world has to offer. It longs for Jesus. The guy that made our hearts, souls, and bodies. Yeah. I think that's it.
There better be celery in heaven.

"Today, seems the perfect day, to get carried away."

On The Brightside ~ NeverShoutNever


I met a man of two feet tall
This man was quite ambitious
In a world that is so vicious to us all
I said, "Hi," as he replied
He said, "Listen to these words
That I have lived by my whole life

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be
And you're only as small as the world will make you seem
When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall
Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall"

I met a man of 12 feet tall
He towered like a giant
In a world that was defiant of his height
I said, "Hi," as he replied
He said, "Listen to these words
That I have dreaded my whole life

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be
And you're only as small as the world will make you seem
When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall
Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall."

I am a man of six feet tall
Just looking for some answers
In a world that answers none of them at all
I'll say, "Hi," but not reply
To the letters that you write
Because I found some peace of mind

Cause I'm only as tall as my heart will let me be
And I'm only as small as the world will make me seem
When the going gets rough and I feel like I may fall
I'll look on the brightside - I'm roughly six feet tall.


There are to many depressed people out there. These are some lyrics to cheer you up...

You're more real then, the ground I'm standing on...

It's 11:43 and while I'm complaining about how chapped my lips are, people are dying. Great.
Yesterday I learned that one dollar gives a kid in Africa clean water for a year.
Why is it that us spoiled American's have to have something in return when we give something. I'm not saying that everyone is like that. But in general. Most of us are.

Unfortunately there are a lot of those people in the church.
Why is it that the church, the body of Jesus, is selfish?! Why is it that pride and dignity kill off people physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It annoys me.
I really want some celery.
Jesus washed the feet of His disciples, He stooped low to pick the crappiest people up out of the dirt. And yet when we say we are aiming to be like Jesus we only try to build ourselves up into this weird looking churchy, pride consumed robot. Once again. I'm not saying that's how EVERYONE is. But generally, and in the broad sense, we are.
To be like Jesus we have to forget about us. It does us no good whatsoever to be all about ourselves.
Love is selfless and will give anything to benefit others. Jesus is the pure and holy definition of love. To be in the likeness of Jesus, we must grasp love. Do you understand?
Love means... Going to someplace like...
http://activewater.org/
And donating even just a dollar to make sure a kid doesn't die from dirty water.

My dreams are bursting at the seams...

You know. Never mind. You don't know. But anyways. You're awesome.

Ever feel like your at the point where, you're ready to jump out of a plane (to go skydiving of course) but you're just not sure what's going to happen? I feel like that. Although. I don't. Because I've never been skydiving. But Everything around me seems burdened with this growing expectation. Sorta like waiting for the leaves to pop out on trees. Which in my opinion is quite a wonderful thing to be waiting for. In fact. The wait is over and they leaves are already coming out. ANYWAYS. Back to my point which I haven't made yet.
I think Jesus is going to be here soon. I have no idea what that means. But... I'm guessing in the next 100 years or so. Or maybe a thousand. Or whenever He wants. I'm cool with whatever. I just cracked my entire back.
I can't wait to see Jesus. It will be like... My one and only dream come true.
Now my back feels funny.
I'm really craving cucumbers.

If thoughts define me, then You're inside me...

I just cracked my neck. Cool.

I was listening to All Creatures by David Crowder (listen to it.) yesterday in the car. And I kept imagining the landscape twisting and contorting to a glorious masterpiece to honor the King. You know. Like... Something from Avatar. Or Alice in Wonderland. But cooler and in real life. I almost started crying at the beauty of it all because it wasn't just me imagining something. It was God working through me. In the weirdest way imaginable.

You know when you need to explain something you're feeling but... You just can't.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I feel quite confused and broken. All there is to life is to simply press farther into the grasping love of Christ. But getting to the point where we can just walk into it is the most difficult thing ever. I'm not ready whatsoever, yet I can't wait till I'm standing at the gate of heaven. Can you imagine? No you can't. I can't either. I have a wild imagination. Like honestly. I do. It's my goal to have the imagination of a five year old. Jesus works in your imagination better than anything your brain will ever process. ANYWAYS.

It's one of those nights where How He Loves by John Mark McMillan is on repeat and everything inside of me feels tired and wants to be revived and lively and my hands can't wait to hold Jesus'. I think I could sing all night and be happy. But I can't. Because everyone in the house is asleep and would punch me in the face.

I guess what I'm trying to get out in this overly excessive contraption of a blog post is that God loves me more than I know. And that He doesn't care what I feel like, or what I think of Him, or how I'm doing in this life, because He is so consumed with the actions, thoughts, and the reality of Him loving this infant-like, pride-consumed, wretchedly dignified soul of mine. That's what I feel.

I pray wholeheartedly that Jesus utilizes my imagination for something more of Him.
Wouldn't that be nifty?

I just cracked my neck again.

Celery is the bomb.

Blahblahblah...

Call of Duty, Dr. Pepper, plans of road trips, chocolate chip pancakes, donut balls. All with my best friend.

My life is pretty shweeeeet.

Cool.

Heart I hope you wake up soon...

Repentance is cold and no one likes it. It get's really old and it seems like a habit to some. I think only people like nuns and monks actually like it. No one likes to own up to their faults and problems. Am I right? I am pretty close at least. However. To those who share these super duper sucky traits I have bad news.

Repentance is a must.
It's true. Without repentance we would be nowhere with God. We would be in the endless circles of sin, shame, guilt, and hatred. Without repentance I think most everyone would kill themselves. Tragic.

Honestly... Who likes admitting they did something wrong? I think the only person that would like it is Jesus. But He never did anything wrong and is perfectly blameless. So He's excluded. No one likes admitting they cheated on a test or saying they ate all the cookies.

I think the number uno thing we people of Jesus need to repent of is... Drum roll por favor.
Bitterness.
That dreaded, lots of letters, word that everyone can associate themselves with.
First off we shouldn't be bitter. Jesus died a long time ago so we wouldn't have to be bitter with anything.
Dos. We are purchased, therefor we are not our masters. As stated in previous sentence. Jesus was beaten, bruised, and crushed so we wouldn't have to be bitter. Yet... We still are.
Three. The only bitterness we have is created by the one and only, you an I. You wouldn't have that tummy ache to complain about if you didn't eat all the cookies in the first place. We are bitter because we associate our misery with something that is joyful and good. For example: Mega Max was bitter because his ex girlfriend(from three years ago ),Super Susie got married to Dumb Dan and has eight kids and is living happily ever after.
We are also bitter because things we cherish and adore and put over top of Jesus get taken away from us.If it weren't for the fact that we think about ourselves we wouldn't have any problems at all. Yes. I know full well how pickled you are about getting grounded because you forgot to take out the trash. But do you really need an Xbox to keep you alive? Yeah. There are those kids in Japan who probably invented the Xbox that now have no place to stay because something took their homes away from them. Get it now?

Bitterness likes us. But we shouldn't invite it in.
Jesus doesn't like bitterness.
I don't either.
Would cookies taste good if they were bitter? Not at all.
UNLESS YOU HAVE REALLY SWEET MILK!
I have chunks of ham stuck between my teeth because I just ate a ham sandwhich...
At uno in the morning....



ALSO. Notice the few Spanish words I added into my writing.
My sister is a legit Spanish teacher and she's unfortunately teaching me.
I think it might be working.
Maybe.
Possibly.
Not at all.

Yeah, It's chill.

I'm watching my little nephews run around the house like hyper-positive sugar addicts.
They understand love, and life, and Jesus better than anyone I know.
They're my role models.
Honestly.
They are.
I need more coffee.

This is the start, this is your heart...

Well... I think Jesus really likes me... Like. Everyone in church goes around saying "Jesus loves you!"... Most everyone just nods their heads and says "He loves you too!". Am I right? Eggzactly. When someone says that to me, I don't really take it to heart. It get's kinda annoying too sometimes. But oh well. ANYWAYS. Once you really start thinking about it... It's true and quite extraordinary. Jesus loves ME. He loves YOU. Think of you loving your favorite teddy bear as a kid. If it ripped. Your heart ripped. If it got lost, you were lost.
Jesus is the dude. You're the teddy bear.

Well. There you have it. Easy enough. Let your imagination feast on that when someone says "Jesus loves you.". I truly believe your imagination is paired with the love of Christ. That's cool. It makes me feel like a little kid. I like that feeling. We're all little kids in Jesus' eyes. Cool.

Remember. You're the teddy bear. Jesus is the human.
Cool.

If You're a hand grenade, I'll pull the pin.

So I've been thinking lately. Shocker. I know. BUT. I've been thinking about Jesus. I think out minds were created to think about Jesus. Like. That's that. End of story. You know what I mean? I suppose if the dude created it then He deserves to be on it a lot. ANYWAYS. As I said already. I'VE BEEN THINKING. I'm a messed up dude. Like. I honestly am. I am in no way perfect. I have a jacked up mind. A messed up heart. And a screwed up soul. I struggle with depression, oppression, jealousy, hatred, sadness, hurt and anger like the rest of us. It's something that follows us in this world.

NOW. If you're a troubled teen like myself then most likely the reaction you would get from me talking about the death and resurrection of Christ is nothing more than the reaction of a bag of potato chips. Am I right? That whole story is watered down and to some it's painful to hear it over and over again. Sorta like Easter Sunday on repeat minus the candy. Painful.
You have to look at this in depth. And by in depth I don't mean history, definition sorta stuff. I mean. Raw, bloody, bright depth.

Imagine this.
Jesus. A weird dude comes up to you and says nothing but you know deep down inside He holds a love that can't even be perceived in the human mind. Imagine you sitting there watching Him tied to a post with whips at His back. Like. You think dissecting a frog in Biology is gross. Raw flesh is being ripped off His back all the while you're staring like dumbfounded ghost. Next you see Him walking with a cross on His back up a hill. The nails are forced through His hands. He's just hanging there like He planned on that happening. But the part that will strike a chord in you somewhere is that you were ALWAYS on His mind through it all. It doesn't matter if you wanted to be on His mind or not. You were no matter what. No matter how much you've gone through. No matter what pain you've experienced. No matter what you struggle with or have to fight through everyday. Jesus has you on His mind. It still sounds watered down to me.

He loves you.

Do you know the muffin man?

So I'm tired and worn out. My nose is a little runny and my throat feels scratchy. Cool.
On the bright side, I just ate a banana muffin.
I really am trying to embrace the fact that God has something beautiful come out of everything that involves suffering. I was talking to my mom about some serious issues in my life and she said something along the lines of "It's obviously nothing God can't fix."
What happens when you eat food? Your body DESTROYS and breaks down the stuff you're feeding yourself to supply nutrients to the human body.
What happens when you sleep? You crash for however long but wake up refreshed and energized (sometimes).
What happens when you plant a seed? You shove it in some mud and a beautiful plant comes up from where you piled on crap loads of dirt on a little speck of a seed.
Something beautiful grows from the stalling, striving, and pain in life.
You throw some mud on a situation and it honestly looks like a piece of crap. But in the long run, something springs up out of it in the form of something beautiful.
What if you ate something and you pooped it out exactly as it went in. It would have done absolutely nothing for you.
If you believe in the one God that created you and I then it's only a matter of time till we all realize that beauty comes from pain.
Jesus loves you. It's true.
That muffin was tasty.

Jesus is a friend of mine...

I like celery a lot. It makes me happy. I can walk around the house crunching on celery all day. It's tasty.
Jesus made celery for me. He's a nice guy.
He also loves me. Enough to make celery for me.
It makes me happy when I think about it.
I like celery.
I like Jesus.
He's cool...



I like peanut butter too.
And hugs...
And Chinese food.
And Spongebob.

Memories

Eisley ~ Memories.

He was throwing grain into the ground below, ground below
With dreary circles of his arm, going slow, very slow
His cap pulled down round his ears
To hide the smile and watery tears

My loving wife, it's so wonderful
How small seeds gracefully do grow
Into beautiful things that spring from these rows
With their musical names and musical sounds

Dreary birds parade across the dreary sky, but down below
The woman absent mindedly begins to sow, how she sows
The seeds her husband loved so much
But he's no longer here with us

But her life is so beautiful as memories continue to grow
Into beautiful things that spring from these rows
With their musical names and musical sounds
And this beautiful things that spring from these rows
With their musical names and musical sounds, and musical sounds

Distant though I am orange, gold and green
Firing, flaming, colors surround me
I'm always wondering where you are
I'm always wondering where you are

Darling shouldn't I be the one?
Wondering after all I'm the one who is gone
I'm always wondering where you are
I'm always wondering where you are

Darling shouldn't I be the one?
Wondering after all I'm the one who is gone
I'm always wondering, I was just wondering
I was just wondering, I'm the one who is gone, who is gone

But, there's beautiful things that spring from these rows
With their musical names and musical sounds, and musical sounds

Falling Slowly

Two of the greatest people in my dads life died within three days. One of his best friends and co-workers, and his father. I've never seen him this vulnerable in my entire sixteen years of living. It's terrible. But it makes me think that if this is how vulnerable my dad is. Then so much greater is the vulnerability of God's heart. How vulnerable my heart is.

Everytime I think of God's heart I think of playdough. I LIKE PLAYDOUGH. But. Anyways. Those of you who read this and have young'uns surely know that no matter how hard you try and get the point across. Your children will always mix the two (or more) colors of playdough. C'mon. They won't keep it all in one place and make sure it never touches the other colors. Almost impossible.

Annnnnnnnnyways. Back to the point.
God is like playdough.
We are lik playdough.
Playdough is vulnerable.
Our playdough like hearts get mashed into God's playdough like heart.
Which ends in an unseperable mix of God's heart and ours.
I like playdough a lot. I like making rainbows with it.

POIN PROVEN.

Stay for a while...

Stay for a while
I've got nothing else to lose but you
Though you're in pain
But I'm begging you to hold on tight
Tell me I'll be alright

No matter where you go
I will keep you safe
Don't ever be afraid
The stars are shining bright
Through cold and endless nights
I will always always be with you

Chained to your bedside
but I never wanna be set free

Somehow I see more life in you
yet I'm the one without a disease
Oh please tell me that I'm alright

No matter where you go
I will keep you safe
Don't ever be afraid
The stars are shining bright
Through cold and endless nights
I will always always be with you

Lou's Song ~ Jason Upton feat. Micah Lother

Breaker.

For Today is an amazing band. These are the lyrics to four of their songs. I know you might not think this could match up with what you're feeling. But it does. It does with everyone.
We're all in this together.


The Breakers Origin~

Fear
Pain
Confusion
Powerless
Hopelessness.
How can I break this cycle of hopelessness
When I'm broken, soaked in the spirit of anger
With the roots of bitterness
Rooted in the marrow of my bones
Flourishing through my soul
Oh my soul.

The Breakers Valley~

Sick and tired
Trapped
My body wrapped with sharp pain because my body wasn't made to contain all this rage
My mind wasn't made
My eyes weren't made
My soul was not made to behold what shackles my soul now
Bound by the memories of being innocent
Uncle sinning against me, sexually
Momma knew he was molesting me, smacking me across my face
I could do nothing
Pops wasn't around to give me the time of the day
All I wanted was the and the place where I could be loved
A hug from my mom was too much
So I turned to the net while I was hooked like a fish
As I click, click, clicked to watch porn flicks
Trying to find intimacy
Or an outlet at least
But as I try to breathe and be at ease
I see my mom in hell and the devil's breath through the glass pipe
I'm shattered in a flash
Fright and brokenness is the aftermath
Brokenness is my aftermath.

The Breakers Encounter~

As I was thinking
Back to a day
Where it was mid-day
But the sky was black like midnight
Seeing a lifeless body impaled by nails
Suffering at the blast of hell
Caught my attention cause it looked like a blood bath
As I looked past
And saw a broken man
Soaked in the white hot wrath of God
And I asked why
I found some answers in His bloody face
A face I began to recognize in the background of every instance of my life I ignored
Suddenly sense these spirits flooding, soothing my rude, rude soul
Though ruined by the world's view
He wooed me
Though crude and screwed up out of my mind
He pursued me
He made me holy
Whole.

The Breakers Commission~

Life
Love
Forgiveness
Acceptance
Stripping demons right off my back trying to leach life off me
Get off me and feel my Fathers fury, oppressor
One day you'll feel the full blast of His vengeance Beelzebub
But for now I'll love
Cause our God's strength
He blew courage in my backbone
Now I'll stand straight and militant lining up in Jehovah's battalion
Knowing you can't change Him so we march forward
Swift as eagles ready to grip souls from your grass
Slick snake in a crass
My Lord sees you and vengeance is His
But for no I retaliate
Propelled by a holy mandate to heal
Because I know how bad it hurts
Full of madness at first
But now
Gladness bursts out the seams of our beings
Cause we overflow with the oil of joy
The ointment of the anointed
Mending any torn soul
Healing any broken bone
He is here
He was there
He is peace
He is faith

When everything's said and done, You're all I really have. Amidst these setting suns...

A dear friend of mine and my families passed away this morning. When my parents moved to Virginia in 85 and my father started a construction business, my dad hired his first employee who just so happened to be the same man that died today. My dad was in this mans wedding. My dad worked for the man when he didn't have any work. And vice versa. I can't recall a single moment when I was in the same room as the man when he was being serious. Even when he was talking about something as serious as God, he never was super duper serious. Just mildly serious. And he'd always be cracking jokes.

Now.

You may think. "oh great he'll say 'lets take a lesson from this.'" but no. I don't like lessons. You go to Chemistry and History classes for "lessons". This man has a story. I don't even know what it is. I'm not even allowed to read his story unless he lets me. But the most beautiful thing I've realized today is that it's still being written. But even better. It's being written without any pain or trials incorporated into the script. It's being written in the most perfect handwriting. It's being written under the most elaborate scenes. It's being written by the hand of the one who created him in the first place. Kinda like that perfect book you know you have to find. So you can sit back and relax reading it under a tangerine sky. You know what I'm talking about. Anyways. It's things like these that keeps hope alive in the sense that no matter how much crap is forcefully shoved into our lives. There will be unfathomable beauty in the end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11
Look it up. And my point shall be proven.

Here's to you Dan White.
Can't wait to see you soon.
And soon it will be.

The Tin-man has got nothing on me...

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.



What is your first reaction to hurt? Shriveling up in a corner. Obviously. Is that what you should do? Probably not.
Everything our lives are based upon is either made of beauty or pain. God created you inside of your mothers womb and it was beautiful. You were born and your mother had to go through the pain of labor but something beautiful came out of it. Something incredible. YOU. Adam was created in the Garden. Beauty. Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Pain and suckyness. Jesus died to take away that hurt. Beauty from pain. What am I getting at? I don't even know.
What if we had no pain? What if hurt was gone. There will be a day that we all enter past the gates of heaven and it disappears. But we're obviously stuck on a world with a lot of pain.

Kids are aborted. Children are starving orphans. Parents get divorced. And through the thick of it there is this weird, crazy guy named Jesus standing there. I know a LOT of people that wish they couldn't feel any pain. Or feel any hurt or rejection. I for one wish a lot of things didn't hurt.

But what if we found out how to make our hearts no hurt anymore? Obviously that's impossible without a crap load of help from the Jesus dude. But the point is this.
If it weren't for hurt and pain and suffering. We would be nowhere. We would be ghosts walking across oceans and bare hills. We would be the Tin Man waling back and forth looking for a heart.
The Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz originated when Nick Chopper (aka the tin man before becoming the tin man) had a spell cast on his axe by the evil Witch of The West. And in using the axe he accidentally kept chopping off his limbs. He replace them with prosthetic "tin" limbs. Eventually. Everything in his body was replaced with tin. And his heart was left out.

We go through life chopping down our trees then something comes along and makes it to were we start chopping off our own limbs. And we're forced to replace them with quick and easy "tin" - like answers. But in the equation we leave out the thing God put in us to keep us real and sane. Our hearts.

I say this to make you realize that if we become neutral and numb, then everything around us doesn't matter. Everything you love and have loved becomes ash. It really does. Hell, I can't tell you what to do. But you go around saying nothing matters and that you don't care and then you tell me that you're happy. You won't be.

The quote at the top of this page is from Lord of the Rings. Gandalf and Frodo are sitting there chillaxen and Frodo says he wished none of these bad things have happened. And Gandalf is like "dude. It did happen. We have to deal with it. But we also have to decide what we're going to do with what opportunities we have." Can I get an amen? We can wish all we want that things never happened. But we more so need to look at what's on our plate and decided if we're going to throw it away or eat it. Got that? Beauty evolves from pain. It takes time. It always does. But we have to decide if we're going to sit there saying "i don't care. i'm numb. i don't want to feel anything." Or look at this ever present beauty and love that surrounds us in the arms Christ. It's real. It's so real.

Lou's Song ~ Jason Upton. Look it up. Kay? Kay.

Topics

She spent the night out with a guy who gives attention when she cries herself to sleep, I heard her say...
And so she gives him what he wants as long as he can make her feel okay, but she's not okay

And we avoid the topics, we make the kids have secrets
When they are exposed and everyone else knows
We'll say we never knew it, that they had a problem
'Cause if we would have known, we surely would have solved it
But we can't, it's too late, I said we can't it's too late

He's skipping classes 'cause he hates them, hopes he passes, not to take them all again, I heard him say...
He escapes them with the pills, the ones he takes to make him feel like he's okay, but he's not okay

And we avoid the topics, we make the kids have secrets
And when they are exposed and everyone else knows
We'll say we never knew it, that they had a problem
'Cause if we would have known, we surely would have solved it
But we can't, it's too late, I said we can't it's too late

God you've gotta save us, we hide behind the faces that we make to disguise
The things that were ashamed of and all the ugly things that make us close our eyes
They make us close our eyes, why do we close our eyes?

We avoid the topics, we make the kids have secrets
When they are exposed and everyone else knows
We'll say we never knew it, that they had a problem
'Cause if we would have known, we surely would have solved it

~ Nevertheless.