Welcome to the planet...

It was an interesting day in the life of Jordan. I was in Missouri and one morning we were in Kansas City at the International House Of Prayer. Me and my sister were watching Justin Rizzo rocking it out on a worship set and as my sister sorta lost herself in God I just gazed as half of the musicians were yawning like dummies. I didn't really know why I was there. I do. But I don't. On the way to Kansas City from St. Joe there was a billboard that had just one word. Narcissist. I really didn't even know what it meant. But it didn't seem happy or sweet.

Narcissist ~ inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

Vanity ~ excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain; conceit:

I saw that sign and kinda wanted to cry...
I've realized that being a jerk and a complete and utter idiot doesn't help whatsoever in life and in my walk with God.
This brought up the question in my brain "what is the point in not loving anyone and everyone?"
I can be a huge jerk. I have been lately to some people. To others I would just ignore them and walk away for years. My excuse most of the time for being a jerk is just being tired. But what the heck?! Because of my stupid action of not going to bed early doesn't mean I should take it out on other people. Love was given to us unconditionally, we should give it out unconditionally. Rid ourselves of hate, lust, and vanity. It's not easy. Not the kind of thing where you wake up and say "i want to love today" and you automatically do.
It's sorta like Eustace in C.S. Lewis' book "The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader." Where Aslan tells Eustace to take of the dragons skin and he does. And it turns into something beautiful. But in the book Eustace can't peel all the skin off because it hurts to much. Because it wasn't just a matter of the outside. It was a matter of the inside. The heart.

There is this whole journey we call life. It get's freaking annoying. Can I get a witness? Amen. We run around hating it up and at the end of the day we try to figure out what we did wrong. I guess you can say I feel kinda convicted when I realize this. But thats good. Because I'm going to try my hardest to peel of the skin of vanity and pride. I don't want to be a narcissist. That word doesn't even look pretty. By being vain and self centered you break everyone down to dust and ashes. I'm not a saint. I'm Jordan Chambers who has nothing figured out and still goes on hating and judging. Forgive me if I've judged you. You can help me peel this skin off too.

What's the point in not loving everyone? What's the point in worshiping ourselves when everything that was given to us comes from a man who gave everything?

Twenty-Four ~ Switchfoot
Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
And twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
With twenty-four drop outs
At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
And I'm not who I thought I was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'

There's twenty-four reasons
To admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses
Still twenty-four strong

See, I'm not copping out
Not copping out
Not copping out
When you're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now
And you're raising these...

Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You'
You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh
I am the second man now
And you're raising the dead in me
Yeah

I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
And you're raising the dead in me

Twenty-four oceans
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
With twenty-four parts
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
I'm not copping out
Not copping out

Transatlanticism.

Zoning out seems to be a favorite of mine in just about everything I do. It seems that everything I try and need to think about just bounces off my brain.
There also seems to be random moments in my day where God crosses into those ridiculously never ending circles I call my thoughts. And when He does it's either nothing of importance or I just can't help but stop and stare at the sky and wonder what the heck He's doing. It's kinda reallllllly ridiculous how it all comes into play. At the end of the day I get a tad frustrated with how things turn out from the days events. Even if the day is perfect I think about things I could have done better.

There is this song. It's called Transatlanticism by Death Cab For Cutie. It talks about getting to what I think is heaven. The guy talks about water crashing in and millions of people moving in one direction. But he talks about how... Moving forward looks more like crossing a moat than rather a lake or an ocean. The part that gets to me like that little emotional itch on our heart you can never scratch, is when the guy starts singing "I need you so much closer."

That line really really moves me. It's like.... Driving a car and then hitting a brick wall. But the reality of that line is this. Our hearts are singing this song to our Maker. The most beautiful thing about it is He's singing it back. Sorta like "Hey. I'm an ocean. I'm love. C'mon.". What I can't get out of my head is... I can't live the past because we were made to be moving forward. No matter how much I zone out on things I could have done better this song makes me realize that we can't relive what we've done. We can't take back words we've said. Nor actions we've made. But through the thick of it. There is this never ending train of thought. This infinite song in our hearts. This yearning in our soul that's saying "I need you so much closer." And the beauty is that we're getting closer. We're finding something. We're excavating up something ancient. We're always getting closer. No going back. Soon enough. We won't need to sing this song.

Look how they shine for you...

So... Lately life has been a crap load of weird twists and turns. And most of the time I'm so lost in thought to realize that something is changing. I'm a terrible thinker. I loose myself in though in the most terrible and awkward places. I had to explain to my brother last night that I can't take listening to my Chemistry teacher go on about equations seriously. I honestly can't. I hear "and take the 6.83 moles and divide that by the amu of Sodium Trioxide." and automatically loose myself in the never ending train of thoughts. Sometimes it goes like this "I wonder if she even likes teaching his." "think she just does it for the money?" "are they struggling financially?" "why do we need money?!" "I would like some money" "I want to buy people Chrismas presents." "what should I get my mom?"
Yeah. That honestly happens every week. It's annoying. But... You get it. Last night I was at a friends house. They're planning on opening up a bible study at their house in January. They have three kids under the age of seven and Scott is from Manhattan and Catherine is from South Carolina. It's ridiculous how two completely different people like Scott and Catherine are married. It's amazing. ANYWAYS. Me and my sister went over there for some coffee and to just talk about life and God. We haven't seen them in a while due to Catherine having a baby and Beka working. But. We managed last night. It was incredible. After a couple of hours of talking and drinking some kick butt coffee they decided that they would pray for us before we left. They started praying for my sister first and was going at it. Then they got to me and Scott said something about "knowing the person of God." In that moment I kinda just dropped my head and thought to myself "who the hell are You God?" after they were done praying we left and me and my sister drove home talking about my grandpa who died last year, and how we miss him playing the piano and laughing. We were listening to Ode To Joy and this dude who's playing it just starts playing like a mad man. And Beka said "I miss how grandpa played. Because he played just like that." and as soon as she said that it felt as if my insides were drunk and they just sobered up. It was a weird feeling. But we pulled in and got out of the car and I looked up... God is wonderful at making stars shine. Bilbo (from Lord of The Rings) describes how I felt before I looked up "I feel like butter spread over to much bread..." As soon as I saw that every single star was just hanging there in some black void everything inside me shrunk. I realized. That I can never be as spread apart as all those stars. My heart can't be broken into that many pieces. But the fact that really got me is that if those stars are holding me... Then someone. Some ridiculous dude named God is holding those stars. It took me a good five minutes to realize that brokenness surrounds me. But it took me over night and it's still taking me time to realize that there is a deep unfathomable Love that holds all of us. It was weird because I was humming Ode To Joy and my mind wanted to start racing but it couldn't. I realized that those stars are holding my grandpa. In that moment I wanted to scream "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME GOD?!" But then realized that I sorta know what He's doing. He's making me whole.