So... Lately life has been a crap load of weird twists and turns. And most of the time I'm so lost in thought to realize that something is changing. I'm a terrible thinker. I loose myself in though in the most terrible and awkward places. I had to explain to my brother last night that I can't take listening to my Chemistry teacher go on about equations seriously. I honestly can't. I hear "and take the 6.83 moles and divide that by the amu of Sodium Trioxide." and automatically loose myself in the never ending train of thoughts. Sometimes it goes like this "I wonder if she even likes teaching his." "think she just does it for the money?" "are they struggling financially?" "why do we need money?!" "I would like some money" "I want to buy people Chrismas presents." "what should I get my mom?"
Yeah. That honestly happens every week. It's annoying. But... You get it. Last night I was at a friends house. They're planning on opening up a bible study at their house in January. They have three kids under the age of seven and Scott is from Manhattan and Catherine is from South Carolina. It's ridiculous how two completely different people like Scott and Catherine are married. It's amazing. ANYWAYS. Me and my sister went over there for some coffee and to just talk about life and God. We haven't seen them in a while due to Catherine having a baby and Beka working. But. We managed last night. It was incredible. After a couple of hours of talking and drinking some kick butt coffee they decided that they would pray for us before we left. They started praying for my sister first and was going at it. Then they got to me and Scott said something about "knowing the person of God." In that moment I kinda just dropped my head and thought to myself "who the hell are You God?" after they were done praying we left and me and my sister drove home talking about my grandpa who died last year, and how we miss him playing the piano and laughing. We were listening to Ode To Joy and this dude who's playing it just starts playing like a mad man. And Beka said "I miss how grandpa played. Because he played just like that." and as soon as she said that it felt as if my insides were drunk and they just sobered up. It was a weird feeling. But we pulled in and got out of the car and I looked up... God is wonderful at making stars shine. Bilbo (from Lord of The Rings) describes how I felt before I looked up "I feel like butter spread over to much bread..." As soon as I saw that every single star was just hanging there in some black void everything inside me shrunk. I realized. That I can never be as spread apart as all those stars. My heart can't be broken into that many pieces. But the fact that really got me is that if those stars are holding me... Then someone. Some ridiculous dude named God is holding those stars. It took me a good five minutes to realize that brokenness surrounds me. But it took me over night and it's still taking me time to realize that there is a deep unfathomable Love that holds all of us. It was weird because I was humming Ode To Joy and my mind wanted to start racing but it couldn't. I realized that those stars are holding my grandpa. In that moment I wanted to scream "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME GOD?!" But then realized that I sorta know what He's doing. He's making me whole.
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