If Jesus could only wash my feet...

I almost cried more then five times watching a movie the other day. AND. We are out of celery... Again.

Hot tea is wonderful because it's wonderful.

I've been thinking about stuff lately... Some of it completely irrelevant to anything going on in my life, or your life, or anyone else's life for that matter. Isn't that just wonderful? I've been thinking... The same thing that possessed those guys in the Bible to start loving and taking people into the body of Christ is in each one of us. I think it's the Holy Spirit... but no one knows.

I've been listening to weird music, for example I just listened to the entire four and a half minutes of Love The Way You Lie by Eminem and Beyonce. And if you know me then you know that I rarely listen to music like that. I listen to Cady Groves when I'm working and Romance On A Rocketship before I go to bed. ANYWAYS. I'm kinda torn because I see all these musicians and singers wasting their lives away on nothing. The one thing I want is to be standing with all my brothers and sisters lifting our weary gaze to heaven and screaming out our empty songs to the beautiful God who created our hearts.

I don't know what I'm getting at. But it feels deep at the moment. Kinda like that moment when you're a little kid in a big kid pool. And you know if you keep walking out the water isn't going to get anymore shallow then it already is... If that makes sense.

I was at a concert in a bar. John Mark McMillan to be exact. It was a while ago and I have no idea why I'm bringing it up now. ANYWAYS. I was standing there with a bunch of strangers who were drinking beer listening to them and the entire audience singing "World, I've overcome you world!" Over and over again even after John stopped playing and everyone was off stage. It was heart-wrenching. Literally.

Everytime I hear Eminem's songs I pray that one day a man of his influential status would learn of Jesus' beauty and love and come to know Him and sing songs in His home for forever.

It kills my inside feely thingys when I think about the fact that no matter what there will be people left here on earth when Jesus brings me home, and the fact that I can't sing with them for eternity is even more sad. But I want to sing a song with Eminem in heaven. And Beyonce.... And Cady Groves...

This was completely random and somewhat pointless.
Enjoy!

If thoughts define me, then You're inside me...

I just cracked my neck. Cool.

I was listening to All Creatures by David Crowder (listen to it.) yesterday in the car. And I kept imagining the landscape twisting and contorting to a glorious masterpiece to honor the King. You know. Like... Something from Avatar. Or Alice in Wonderland. But cooler and in real life. I almost started crying at the beauty of it all because it wasn't just me imagining something. It was God working through me. In the weirdest way imaginable.

You know when you need to explain something you're feeling but... You just can't.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I feel quite confused and broken. All there is to life is to simply press farther into the grasping love of Christ. But getting to the point where we can just walk into it is the most difficult thing ever. I'm not ready whatsoever, yet I can't wait till I'm standing at the gate of heaven. Can you imagine? No you can't. I can't either. I have a wild imagination. Like honestly. I do. It's my goal to have the imagination of a five year old. Jesus works in your imagination better than anything your brain will ever process. ANYWAYS.

It's one of those nights where How He Loves by John Mark McMillan is on repeat and everything inside of me feels tired and wants to be revived and lively and my hands can't wait to hold Jesus'. I think I could sing all night and be happy. But I can't. Because everyone in the house is asleep and would punch me in the face.

I guess what I'm trying to get out in this overly excessive contraption of a blog post is that God loves me more than I know. And that He doesn't care what I feel like, or what I think of Him, or how I'm doing in this life, because He is so consumed with the actions, thoughts, and the reality of Him loving this infant-like, pride-consumed, wretchedly dignified soul of mine. That's what I feel.

I pray wholeheartedly that Jesus utilizes my imagination for something more of Him.
Wouldn't that be nifty?

I just cracked my neck again.

Celery is the bomb.

If You're a hand grenade, I'll pull the pin.

So I've been thinking lately. Shocker. I know. BUT. I've been thinking about Jesus. I think out minds were created to think about Jesus. Like. That's that. End of story. You know what I mean? I suppose if the dude created it then He deserves to be on it a lot. ANYWAYS. As I said already. I'VE BEEN THINKING. I'm a messed up dude. Like. I honestly am. I am in no way perfect. I have a jacked up mind. A messed up heart. And a screwed up soul. I struggle with depression, oppression, jealousy, hatred, sadness, hurt and anger like the rest of us. It's something that follows us in this world.

NOW. If you're a troubled teen like myself then most likely the reaction you would get from me talking about the death and resurrection of Christ is nothing more than the reaction of a bag of potato chips. Am I right? That whole story is watered down and to some it's painful to hear it over and over again. Sorta like Easter Sunday on repeat minus the candy. Painful.
You have to look at this in depth. And by in depth I don't mean history, definition sorta stuff. I mean. Raw, bloody, bright depth.

Imagine this.
Jesus. A weird dude comes up to you and says nothing but you know deep down inside He holds a love that can't even be perceived in the human mind. Imagine you sitting there watching Him tied to a post with whips at His back. Like. You think dissecting a frog in Biology is gross. Raw flesh is being ripped off His back all the while you're staring like dumbfounded ghost. Next you see Him walking with a cross on His back up a hill. The nails are forced through His hands. He's just hanging there like He planned on that happening. But the part that will strike a chord in you somewhere is that you were ALWAYS on His mind through it all. It doesn't matter if you wanted to be on His mind or not. You were no matter what. No matter how much you've gone through. No matter what pain you've experienced. No matter what you struggle with or have to fight through everyday. Jesus has you on His mind. It still sounds watered down to me.

He loves you.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the Way...

Lately I've been realllllllllllllllllllllllllllly Tired. Not just physically tired. But spiritually and mentally wiped out. I don't know why. Everything is tiring. I'm drained from school and family and not being able to see my friends as much as I want. I need to be super charged spiritually, and emotionally I have no room to complain or argue my case because I am quite stable compared to my friends. But I still feel tired. I don't hate life. My life is actually pretty good. I hear the song How He Loves and want to start crying and weeping. I think I'm homesick. I long to be in the arms of the One who created me... Creation is so ridiculous to think about. David didn't lie when he said that God knew us before we were formed in our mothers womb. To think that God, a Man who know's and loves us and of whom we will never understand or comprehend, pulled us out of darkness and sparked our hearts from His. It's so raw and beautiful. It makes me homesick because I know that one day I'm going to be back in His arms. I know that no matter what happens, in the end I'll be His and only His. I'll no longer be tired.

... <--- (insert awesome title here.)

So far... It's been a while since I last wrote on this whole thingumabob, and in that time frame I still haven't been able to get this whole concept of "All we need is Love" out of my head. I've realized you can't put Love in a box... God is Love... If you think you can put God in a box then you need a reality check. If one person could love uncontrollably. Then that would be so infectious, and we would all be out of hand. Jesus loved unconditionally. He infected a whole group of people. Now look at where we are today. If we could all love like Jesus. Can you freaking imagine what could happen!? No you can't. We need to learn to love. If a soldier walked up to his enemy and hugged him and said "I'm sorry for fighting and killing your friends and family and I would give my life to help build your life up again." I'm thinking that enemy would say "okay." fine. The enemy dude would still probably hate that soldier for everything he did. But it's not getting the people that hate you to love you... It's about loving with no boundaries. Taking love out of the box that we put it in. Love is the answer.

He Is Jealous For Me... Part 2.

I started to ponder that line... He Is Jealous For Me. Let me start with this. I am frustrated with so many things right now. One of the big things is why do we reduce everything spiritual and everything not spiritual down to some form of math or science? I hate it. I do it so much myself. God is not math. He isn't something or someone we can just comprehend by writing out an equation. Jesus is not science. End of story. Except not really. Because I can't grasp that fact. Anyways back to the point. I kept hearing this line "He is jealous for me" in my head. What the heck does "jealous" even mean. I looked up the definition, there was only one that I think would remotely describe the jealousy i'm talking about.

Adjective.
~ solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something: exmp. "The American people are jealous of their freedom."

Dictionary's are extremely handy, don't get me wrong. But a word like this. It's something that was reduced to math and science. Now I bet Mister Webster Dude wasn't super spiritual or anything. But why would a human want to turn something beautiful into math. It doesn't make sense to me.

What i'm trying to get at is this. We are in this world till we die. I believe God is jealous that the world has us and He doesn't at the moment. Thats what it feels like to me. I think when John Mark McMillan wrote that line, that's what he was thinking. I don't even know what i'm getting at. But God knows. Anyways. Last night I was reading my Bible and something significant happened. I was sorta staring at Psalms and thinking "why am I not having a crazy epiphany or explanation to all of this." I literally put my entire head on the pages and thought, "what would happen if I literally shoved the pages into my mouth and ate them", then today as I was thinking about I realized that I don't need to memorize the whole bible. Or fast for weeks one end. What I could do if I realized God loves me? What if I can stop reducing Jesus and His love for me down to math? Jealousy is deeper than a definition.

He is jealous for me...

No matter what. No matter what comes between you and Him, He still loves you. I need to realize this fact just as much as everyone else does. Why can't we just sit and chill with this fact that God Himself loves us more than anything He has ever created? Why is it the human mind, body, and spirit cannot grasp this truth? Why do we sing the songs and not mean it? If I could choose to understand one thing ever in this world it would be how the man Jesus Christ died for me. How he would want to save someone like me. Someone like you. Why would a man who is beyond this world want to die for me? It's unexplainable. Even if I could understand it, I wouldn't be able too. He is jealous for me. He is bigger than our problems. Because He is jealous for you and I means we have nothing to worry about. Try to grasp that as I try...

So we are His portion and He is our prize...

I want to be a sap when it comes to Jesus. I want to cry every time I hear His name. I don't like what the world does to me when it comes to being with Jesus everyday. It breaks me open and shoves a bunch of crap in my heart. It sucks. It happens to each and every one of us. And it sucks... I think that to get the crap out of my heart I need to break it open again and cry... Just sit there and cry. Sob. Weep. However you want to put it. I want to do that right now. I've read stories of people making little streams down aisle's in churches because of what God is pulling out of their hearts. It's beautiful. I've had moments where I would cry after a good worship service and some ministry time. But I don't want that anymore. I want a real "encounter". (I just want to say I hate that word. It makes me feel like i'm labeling God as an alien.) I need my heart torn apart. What would it feel like to touch the raw love of God. I like that word. Raw. It's a good word. I don't like it when we completely water everything about God down. It sucks. Anyways. I want to cry when I hear the word Jesus, or God. I want to be so controlled by Him. I don't just want a good healthy relationship with Him. I want more. I want a love so strong I start to sob when I think about it...

What do you think? How do you want to feel about God?