Falling Slowly

Two of the greatest people in my dads life died within three days. One of his best friends and co-workers, and his father. I've never seen him this vulnerable in my entire sixteen years of living. It's terrible. But it makes me think that if this is how vulnerable my dad is. Then so much greater is the vulnerability of God's heart. How vulnerable my heart is.

Everytime I think of God's heart I think of playdough. I LIKE PLAYDOUGH. But. Anyways. Those of you who read this and have young'uns surely know that no matter how hard you try and get the point across. Your children will always mix the two (or more) colors of playdough. C'mon. They won't keep it all in one place and make sure it never touches the other colors. Almost impossible.

Annnnnnnnnyways. Back to the point.
God is like playdough.
We are lik playdough.
Playdough is vulnerable.
Our playdough like hearts get mashed into God's playdough like heart.
Which ends in an unseperable mix of God's heart and ours.
I like playdough a lot. I like making rainbows with it.

POIN PROVEN.

Breaker.

For Today is an amazing band. These are the lyrics to four of their songs. I know you might not think this could match up with what you're feeling. But it does. It does with everyone.
We're all in this together.


The Breakers Origin~

Fear
Pain
Confusion
Powerless
Hopelessness.
How can I break this cycle of hopelessness
When I'm broken, soaked in the spirit of anger
With the roots of bitterness
Rooted in the marrow of my bones
Flourishing through my soul
Oh my soul.

The Breakers Valley~

Sick and tired
Trapped
My body wrapped with sharp pain because my body wasn't made to contain all this rage
My mind wasn't made
My eyes weren't made
My soul was not made to behold what shackles my soul now
Bound by the memories of being innocent
Uncle sinning against me, sexually
Momma knew he was molesting me, smacking me across my face
I could do nothing
Pops wasn't around to give me the time of the day
All I wanted was the and the place where I could be loved
A hug from my mom was too much
So I turned to the net while I was hooked like a fish
As I click, click, clicked to watch porn flicks
Trying to find intimacy
Or an outlet at least
But as I try to breathe and be at ease
I see my mom in hell and the devil's breath through the glass pipe
I'm shattered in a flash
Fright and brokenness is the aftermath
Brokenness is my aftermath.

The Breakers Encounter~

As I was thinking
Back to a day
Where it was mid-day
But the sky was black like midnight
Seeing a lifeless body impaled by nails
Suffering at the blast of hell
Caught my attention cause it looked like a blood bath
As I looked past
And saw a broken man
Soaked in the white hot wrath of God
And I asked why
I found some answers in His bloody face
A face I began to recognize in the background of every instance of my life I ignored
Suddenly sense these spirits flooding, soothing my rude, rude soul
Though ruined by the world's view
He wooed me
Though crude and screwed up out of my mind
He pursued me
He made me holy
Whole.

The Breakers Commission~

Life
Love
Forgiveness
Acceptance
Stripping demons right off my back trying to leach life off me
Get off me and feel my Fathers fury, oppressor
One day you'll feel the full blast of His vengeance Beelzebub
But for now I'll love
Cause our God's strength
He blew courage in my backbone
Now I'll stand straight and militant lining up in Jehovah's battalion
Knowing you can't change Him so we march forward
Swift as eagles ready to grip souls from your grass
Slick snake in a crass
My Lord sees you and vengeance is His
But for no I retaliate
Propelled by a holy mandate to heal
Because I know how bad it hurts
Full of madness at first
But now
Gladness bursts out the seams of our beings
Cause we overflow with the oil of joy
The ointment of the anointed
Mending any torn soul
Healing any broken bone
He is here
He was there
He is peace
He is faith

So we are His portion and He is our prize...

I want to be a sap when it comes to Jesus. I want to cry every time I hear His name. I don't like what the world does to me when it comes to being with Jesus everyday. It breaks me open and shoves a bunch of crap in my heart. It sucks. It happens to each and every one of us. And it sucks... I think that to get the crap out of my heart I need to break it open again and cry... Just sit there and cry. Sob. Weep. However you want to put it. I want to do that right now. I've read stories of people making little streams down aisle's in churches because of what God is pulling out of their hearts. It's beautiful. I've had moments where I would cry after a good worship service and some ministry time. But I don't want that anymore. I want a real "encounter". (I just want to say I hate that word. It makes me feel like i'm labeling God as an alien.) I need my heart torn apart. What would it feel like to touch the raw love of God. I like that word. Raw. It's a good word. I don't like it when we completely water everything about God down. It sucks. Anyways. I want to cry when I hear the word Jesus, or God. I want to be so controlled by Him. I don't just want a good healthy relationship with Him. I want more. I want a love so strong I start to sob when I think about it...

What do you think? How do you want to feel about God?