And in the end...

Everything has gone past me in a blur.
It's already March.
Daaaaaaaang.

The way God moves is ridiculous. He comes and goes and He doesn't talk to me sometimes. He really wants me to figure out who He is.
There have been a lot of times in the past two years that I've given up on God, on trusting Him, on obeying Him, on loving Him, and on receiving the love He gives to me. In all honesty there have been times where I have wanted nothing to do with my Savior. After all. We can't see Him or feel Him.

In everything I do I can feel His eyes on me. Wanting me, longing for me.
It's very scary sometimes and very beautiful at other times. And sometimes I want to hide in my world of sin even though I know He can still see through it. And other times I want to strip myself of everything bad and nasty and stand there with my naked heart exposed.

I heard a man today saying in front of his congregation that if Jesus was in the room sitting with us then we wouldn't have any problem worshiping our butts off. But every time we go to worship most of us go there with only fractions of our heart actually longing for intimacy. It's devastating.

I have hope that God has a plan though.
He always does.

Something in the way Your eyes speak...

It's the third day of this brand new year of 2012. And I don't understand.

Aren't we all supposed to be dead or something? Disappointing.

So far this year has been ridiculous. New years day was an emotional roller coaster and wanted me to dumb things and thankfully a dear friend of mine told me I was stupid. And now that I think of it, it makes me happy. I realized when I got home from my sisters that I've only had four hours of sleep the night before.... Thus my insanity was explained... I laughed a lot.

I've kinda lost touch with a lot of things. Like my love for Coldplay... Because my mp3 player has been dropped so many times and deletes music at it's own will and deleted all of my Coldplay albums... It makes me sad.

I thank God for the past two years. Because I've found a lot of things. Beautiful people to be exact. Inside and out... They make me happy. Without the love and happiness they bring to my life, I'd probably be dead. I think a community of beautiful people is what God intended for everyone to be involved in. If it weren't for my friends and family I'd be screwed.... I thank you all for the love. It's perfect.


This is totally random.. but who cares.

What comes is better then what came before...

In the past week I've failed at realizing I can't get through life with just a girlfriend, friends, and family.

I get a lot of thinking done in the shower. I thought tonight that I can get through everything on my own. Through life. Through school. Through marriage. Through teenagerdom. I want to give an excuse for myself thinking that. But I have none. I am guilty of thinking Jesus is the least important of my friends. I started writing a post the other day about people judging other people, and as I'm typing I'm thinking how finishing that post and putting it up for all to see would mark me as the worst hypocrite of them all. Why, you ask?

Because I judge Jesus.

In the shower I thought about how Jesus sucks because He never gives me one of those moments of blissful redemption like in movies or something. I got annoyed because I'm in need of saving and I'm not close to my savior at all. I got mad at Jesus because I'm to lazy to do something about my own problems.
I always think of Jesus as an unsocial homeschooler because He never talks to me. But then I thought to myself that it's freaking ridiculous how I never talk to Him. I never say hi or ask how He's doing anymore. Instead I sit back and watch as He stands there begging with His eyes for conversation. For interaction. For me to grab hold of Him like I did when I was younger.
I'm good at doing my own thing at my own pace and hoping that Jesus will step in and keep time with me. I keep wanting Him to change my judgmental, critical, selfish self without my heart having to change.
But that's not going to happen.
I have to keep in time with Him.
He leads.
I follow.

Love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears...

My armpit itched. So I scratched. But I got out of the shower and put deodorant on so now my hand smells like deodorant. And since I'm using madre's laptop, her keyboard will smell like Old Spice. That's chill.

I don't like reading the Bible. I don't. I read it through once because I thought it would enlighten me or something. Not really. I read it because I saw my friends Bible once and it was all highlighted and notes were everywhere, I wanted to be cool like them. So I read my Bible through and highlighted all the cool sounding verses. Now my Bible is all highlighted and I don't even remember why I highlighted three quarters of the stuff I did. ANYWAYS.

Yeah. The Bible bores me. It really does. I know it's God's word and it's supposed to be awesome. Which it is. But sometimes awesome things can be boring... maybe?... I love the Bible. It's awesome. In a boring way. We're supposed to use it if we need help and I think we're supposed to read it a lot.

I read it like... Once a month. I get into random moods where I pretend I want to go read my Bible and I end up getting distracted by something like Calvin and Hobbes or making hot tea. I could kill for some hot tea right now.
I don't know why I don't like the Bible. People always say it's cool. And they get a lot out of it. But it just doesn't connect with me. I want to start reading it again. That would be nice.

It's always sitting on my dresser constantly staring at me to open it up at. It's words that your heart should constantly be eating up and digesting. I pray that God makes me more vulnerable to the words He spoke to have written down.
That would be nice.

I stumble towards my mirror...

So today I was thinking... Another shocker of mine... A lot of Christians could care less about the fact that someone died for them. I realized myself, that today I didn't care about that fact. I say I do, and I want too. But I don't. When something happens two-thousand years ago it's hard to believe that it's special, meaningful, and if it's actually even real.

I wake up in the morning and think about crap. Not poop. But what's considered poop in the eyes of Jesus and His father.
I wake up and instantly whore myself out to the world. I get out of bed and my mind is lost is sin and confusion. I know nothing about love, grace, forgiveness or hope.
Everything in my heart cries for change and love but my body pins it down and beats it senseless. I go on living life like I care, but when I get the chance I turn my back on Him and betray my Love like Judas did. I'll take the 30 talents over my Savior any day. The woman who was considered immoral in Luke: 7 loves Jesus more then I do.
If I saw Jesus face to face right now I would end up crying my own selfish tears so that my soul may be saved from Hell. I would sit and ponder at the glory of my pride and accomplishments. It kills me inside to know that I would do this.
That needs to change. It was made to be different. I want to truly believe in this man.
I want to truly love this man.
The man who died for me.

I'm addicted, I'm needy, I'm lost without You...

The other day was awesome. But I realized that I'm pretty screwed up in the brain.

But first off, I had chocolate ice cream, and I put chocolate chips in it. It was like crunchy heaven. Magical.

Gossip sounds like something only old ladies do. Last night I was standing in my bathroom and I thought to myself "blah blah blah did blah blah blah.". Then something caught me off guard and said to me "you have no right to be thinking these things. You have no right to even repeat them in any context whatsoever.". I break people down, even the ones I care about a lot, so badly. I talk bad about people I don't even know. We screw a lot of things up when we say the slightest thing bad about someone when everything that Jesus has taught us, tells us to build them up no matter what.

I want to start a mission to start building people up instead of bringing them down. Even just small things. Like "he's just a jerk" or "she really needs to stop doing that because she's just stupid.". I don't think my generation understands how much words hurt. I know people that have gotten into more then they can bear because someone talked down to them. I'm not just talking about being sad, I'm talking about people that cut, do drugs, sleep around, and constantly think of killing themselves because they we're hurt by someones words.
It needs to stop.
End of story.

He's raising the dead in the graveyards where we've laid down our dreams...

Well. The school year has started. And so far I'm already a week behind in Algebra II. That's chill.

It's rained a lot in the past weeks. Like. A lot. A lot of people I know find a lot of meaning in the rain. Like it's some sort of religion. I'm not saying that is what people think of rain, it's just what it seems like to me. It's kinda funny. I think rain is cool because I would never have thought of making something that would fall from the sky in tiny liquid pellets. And make everything grow. I suppose that's why God is God. Because He thinks of these things.

My back feels weird.

I think us humans should stop trying to take control of our lives. They're not even ours in the long run. We just get to make the choices.
In all honesty we don't deserve to live. We think we do.

I don't understand everything that goes on in this world. I don't understand what half of my friends feel when they tell me that something is wrong. 10 years ago a lot of people died in the Twin Towers and I can't even begin to understand what the families of dead relatives feel when they think of it. I have friends that don't have parents, or have just one parent. I have friends that have to cut themselves or drink themselves to sleep. I have some friends that are pregnant and don't know what to do. I have friends that don't know left from right because their minds are so screwed up on drugs.

There are people dying and brokenhearted everywhere and all I do is sit back and relax and watch it like it's the next hottest TV show. It's starting to eat away at me. It really is.

This really matters to me. Nothing more in my life besides God has mattered to me more then this. The fact that even though I feel fine, I don't feel the pain of the people I love. I want too. I long too, so that hopefully I can help them. I don't want to be Jesus to them. I just want to be able to do more then just watch.

I want to live by love. Not just sit back and watch my friends roll around in their pain.

I think that's what Jesus would do.
I want to do that too.