I Want To Love You

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL.

I'm a college student.
Sort of.
I take college classes.
I don't fall into the category of the typical community college pot smoker/smoker/person that enjoy the concept of smoking/person that enjoys drinking/person that still gets grounded by their parents/sex crazed/ "I will eat this cigarette butt for 3 bucks." person.

The amount of immaturity out there really baffles me.

However I'm reaaaaaally good at making Ramen Noodles in microwaves now...

Despite all the immaturity that follows me around in this swirling mess of a world, I find a lot of conviction and guilt.

I'm not one for being the typical Christian. But when I'm not that "pray every day and talk to people about Jesus" kind of person then I'm no person at all. I'm just a shell. A tall, rather skinny, and odd smelling shell. A   snail could live in me if it so desired. I'm that shellie.

I'm a shell because I was made to show others who God is, and every single day I'm alive, I fail at that.

God created us human beings to proclaim His name. Even if it means being uncomfortable or awkward. I found a victory the other day when a non Christian friend of mine asked me why I lost my voice. I told her I had lost it in church. Because I like singing to Jesus. She looked at me funny then told me she didn't like church. Then she at a muffin.

All conversation after that was hopeless but I'm glad I had enough courage to say that I love Jesus.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I honestly don't. I probably saw in a movie somewhere that writing your thoughts out can get you rich and famous. Or it enlightens you and then BAM! You're Gandhi.

But no. I just ate chocolate and then decided to brush my teeth so now my mouth is some sort of chemical farm that tastes like a mixture of old pennies and those dinner rolls from Golden Corral.

My point is.

God created us. God created us to be like Him. We need to be like Him. We could be the only bit of God that people will see in this world. We could be the only sort of love or boldness someone is changed by. We can't just be some bones walking around showing people that we give money to churches that don't need it or the people that throw pizza parties when we think someone is going to kill themselves.

We need to be bold.
Very bold.
So that our boldness destroys walls that Satan has put up in peoples' hearts.
So that our courage brings light into dark places.
So that our love heals those that have been broken.

I may be weak.

Grrrrr..... I smell bad.

I eat a lot, I sleep a lot, I drank probably close to a slurpee a day last month, I haven't had coffee in a year and I get distracted while peeing.

I read a lot of inspirational books and bought a cello. I learned how to fix a radiator and I can sing high like Johnny Rzeznik. I haven't dated anyone in 5 months and I think that's a new record for me. I can crack every bone in my body and I'm not famous yet.

God is still pretty real in my life although at the moment I feel like I've stabbed Him a billion times in the back since I woke up this morning. He likes me a lot though and He's teaching me to be stronger everyday.

Last week I got to build a deck for a decrepit ex-marine who knew a lot about fig trees and shipping containers. She amused the crap out of me and even though she thought us teens were a bunch of retards she still loved our company and our work and that made me insanely happy.

I realized over that week how beautiful it is to help people and to just talk to them and get to know who they are instead of just thinking they're crabby and that they probably put splenda in everything.

I met a wonderful leader named Sami who came up to me with the most intimidating look ever and said to me in the most adult like voice "guard your heart. ". I laughed because I pretended didn't know what she was talking about and after I got a good chuckle out of it she pointed at me and said it again and then I knew that I was screwed. It scared the crap out of me.That was it. I'm done for. A freaking goner. I smiled and said I had that covered and later that night when I was chilling at midnight watching an ocean do it's oceaney things she popped up out of nowhere and said it again. I sat back and said that it was my plan and after she left I thought about that long and hard because I think that sentences like that have deeper meanings even though it's just my imagination.

I got home and thought long and hard about it again and then I realized that I was a retard.

Guard your heart from girls.
From peer pressure.
From lust.
From the demons that cling on to me
From unkind words.
From judging and gossip.
From every piece of crap that walks itself into my life.
Duh.

I think she meant mainly the girls though.... 

Sami was God sent.
My friends were God sent.
Mrs. Ruth the splenda lady was God sent.
I ate a lot of cookies that week and they were God sent.

I went on that trip expecting to be a mature adult that had all the answers and I came back feeling like a twelve year old who just realized that Legos aren't the coolest things in the world.

God is slowly figuring things out for me and I can't believe it. It's beautiful and exciting and I still screw things up for Him but He knows what to do and I get caught up in all of it and feel like Elizabeth Bennett after Mr. Darcy asks her to marry him. Even though I'm not as good looking as Keira Knightly.

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. ~ Proverbs 4:23

And in the end...

Everything has gone past me in a blur.
It's already March.
Daaaaaaaang.

The way God moves is ridiculous. He comes and goes and He doesn't talk to me sometimes. He really wants me to figure out who He is.
There have been a lot of times in the past two years that I've given up on God, on trusting Him, on obeying Him, on loving Him, and on receiving the love He gives to me. In all honesty there have been times where I have wanted nothing to do with my Savior. After all. We can't see Him or feel Him.

In everything I do I can feel His eyes on me. Wanting me, longing for me.
It's very scary sometimes and very beautiful at other times. And sometimes I want to hide in my world of sin even though I know He can still see through it. And other times I want to strip myself of everything bad and nasty and stand there with my naked heart exposed.

I heard a man today saying in front of his congregation that if Jesus was in the room sitting with us then we wouldn't have any problem worshiping our butts off. But every time we go to worship most of us go there with only fractions of our heart actually longing for intimacy. It's devastating.

I have hope that God has a plan though.
He always does.

Something in the way Your eyes speak...

It's the third day of this brand new year of 2012. And I don't understand.

Aren't we all supposed to be dead or something? Disappointing.

So far this year has been ridiculous. New years day was an emotional roller coaster and wanted me to dumb things and thankfully a dear friend of mine told me I was stupid. And now that I think of it, it makes me happy. I realized when I got home from my sisters that I've only had four hours of sleep the night before.... Thus my insanity was explained... I laughed a lot.

I've kinda lost touch with a lot of things. Like my love for Coldplay... Because my mp3 player has been dropped so many times and deletes music at it's own will and deleted all of my Coldplay albums... It makes me sad.

I thank God for the past two years. Because I've found a lot of things. Beautiful people to be exact. Inside and out... They make me happy. Without the love and happiness they bring to my life, I'd probably be dead. I think a community of beautiful people is what God intended for everyone to be involved in. If it weren't for my friends and family I'd be screwed.... I thank you all for the love. It's perfect.


This is totally random.. but who cares.

What comes is better then what came before...

In the past week I've failed at realizing I can't get through life with just a girlfriend, friends, and family.

I get a lot of thinking done in the shower. I thought tonight that I can get through everything on my own. Through life. Through school. Through marriage. Through teenagerdom. I want to give an excuse for myself thinking that. But I have none. I am guilty of thinking Jesus is the least important of my friends. I started writing a post the other day about people judging other people, and as I'm typing I'm thinking how finishing that post and putting it up for all to see would mark me as the worst hypocrite of them all. Why, you ask?

Because I judge Jesus.

In the shower I thought about how Jesus sucks because He never gives me one of those moments of blissful redemption like in movies or something. I got annoyed because I'm in need of saving and I'm not close to my savior at all. I got mad at Jesus because I'm to lazy to do something about my own problems.
I always think of Jesus as an unsocial homeschooler because He never talks to me. But then I thought to myself that it's freaking ridiculous how I never talk to Him. I never say hi or ask how He's doing anymore. Instead I sit back and watch as He stands there begging with His eyes for conversation. For interaction. For me to grab hold of Him like I did when I was younger.
I'm good at doing my own thing at my own pace and hoping that Jesus will step in and keep time with me. I keep wanting Him to change my judgmental, critical, selfish self without my heart having to change.
But that's not going to happen.
I have to keep in time with Him.
He leads.
I follow.

Love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears...

My armpit itched. So I scratched. But I got out of the shower and put deodorant on so now my hand smells like deodorant. And since I'm using madre's laptop, her keyboard will smell like Old Spice. That's chill.

I don't like reading the Bible. I don't. I read it through once because I thought it would enlighten me or something. Not really. I read it because I saw my friends Bible once and it was all highlighted and notes were everywhere, I wanted to be cool like them. So I read my Bible through and highlighted all the cool sounding verses. Now my Bible is all highlighted and I don't even remember why I highlighted three quarters of the stuff I did. ANYWAYS.

Yeah. The Bible bores me. It really does. I know it's God's word and it's supposed to be awesome. Which it is. But sometimes awesome things can be boring... maybe?... I love the Bible. It's awesome. In a boring way. We're supposed to use it if we need help and I think we're supposed to read it a lot.

I read it like... Once a month. I get into random moods where I pretend I want to go read my Bible and I end up getting distracted by something like Calvin and Hobbes or making hot tea. I could kill for some hot tea right now.
I don't know why I don't like the Bible. People always say it's cool. And they get a lot out of it. But it just doesn't connect with me. I want to start reading it again. That would be nice.

It's always sitting on my dresser constantly staring at me to open it up at. It's words that your heart should constantly be eating up and digesting. I pray that God makes me more vulnerable to the words He spoke to have written down.
That would be nice.

I stumble towards my mirror...

So today I was thinking... Another shocker of mine... A lot of Christians could care less about the fact that someone died for them. I realized myself, that today I didn't care about that fact. I say I do, and I want too. But I don't. When something happens two-thousand years ago it's hard to believe that it's special, meaningful, and if it's actually even real.

I wake up in the morning and think about crap. Not poop. But what's considered poop in the eyes of Jesus and His father.
I wake up and instantly whore myself out to the world. I get out of bed and my mind is lost is sin and confusion. I know nothing about love, grace, forgiveness or hope.
Everything in my heart cries for change and love but my body pins it down and beats it senseless. I go on living life like I care, but when I get the chance I turn my back on Him and betray my Love like Judas did. I'll take the 30 talents over my Savior any day. The woman who was considered immoral in Luke: 7 loves Jesus more then I do.
If I saw Jesus face to face right now I would end up crying my own selfish tears so that my soul may be saved from Hell. I would sit and ponder at the glory of my pride and accomplishments. It kills me inside to know that I would do this.
That needs to change. It was made to be different. I want to truly believe in this man.
I want to truly love this man.
The man who died for me.